How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
