Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
