oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize