Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
