I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
