I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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