i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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