"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
