If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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