I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
