I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
