i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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