so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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