You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
