You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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