wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
