how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
