glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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