so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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