I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
