Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
