the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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