Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
