girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
