im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
