if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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