So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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