Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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