remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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