I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
