It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
