I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize