Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
