she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
