So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
