What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
