someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The best revenge is premature balding
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
