I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
