i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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