Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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