"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
