why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I just cut my nipple shaving
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
