I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
