I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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