it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
