i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i will never coherently bang her
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
