You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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