Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
