He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
