Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
