Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
