I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
