So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
