You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
