the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize