i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Randomize
