It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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